Recently, I have been in a very low valley, a very dry desert, and have been in a struggle that not many know about. I have felt shame and guilt and remorse for small things and major things. There have been days in the very recent past that I wallowed in pity, that I drowned myself in guilt, and was overcome with shame. In my mind I was unworthy and undeserving of the graceful hand that Jesus extends. I was/am broken, worn out, and on the last limb of this thing we call hope...
The last few days I have been thinking about scripture and I have found myself most identifying with one of the most infamous people in scripture, Judas Iscariot... yes, the disciple that betrayed Jesus. I have betrayed Jesus, I have sinned against Jesus. Like Judas, I have walked in his presence, been humbled by his love, observed his miracles, and have called his presence home. Like Judas, I have made conscious decisions to go against Him, to sin, to betray Him. I am just like Judas... I was trusted with much and gave in to the prompting of this world.
The more I see the similarities the more I want to dive into his (Judas) story. This man walked for years in the presence of Jesus himself. He spoke with, ate with, traveled with, likely laughed with, likely cried with... Judas did life with Jesus and FOLLOWED him everywhere. Then he gave into the prompting of the Devil. He made a decision to betray the God/Man he had given his life too. It says in John 13:2 "The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus." Before the last super, before the bread was broken, Judas made a decision to hand over Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. His heart was worth that... Before we/I judge Judas, we/I sin for a lot less than that. I have sinned for moments of empty satisfaction, I betrayed Jesus.
The story of Judas continues in ways that I know I identify with even more... After this action Judas resents himself. He was struck with guilt and shame. I've been there. Man, I am lot like Judas.
Judas returned his 'reward', then hung himself in his shame and guilt and remorse. Judas chose to pay his own debt... John 17:12 says this, "While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by[a] that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled." Judas doomed himself to destruction... Judas hung himself with his own rope. Shame won, guilt won... death won... for now.
As I compared myself to Judas over and over, I was overwhelmed. I felt like Judas. I prayed in my shame and guilt... I spoke a lot of noise to Jesus, while trying to walk in the shoes of Jesus.
Jesus responded.
Jesus whispered to me... "I died so you don't have to be Judas. I died for you. For you, Shane. Don't hang yourself anymore. Death has not won."
I have labeled myself undeserving of this offer and have rejected it these last few months. I shunned grace because in my brain that can understand grace to the utmost (sarcasm) decided I was undeserving... So I cried back... 'I don't deserve it, I am unworthy'
Jesus whispered again, "You never will deserve it, but I decided 2,000 years ago that YOU were worthy. The cross proves my thoughts. Receive my grace."
Wow...
Every day since this exchange, Grace has been overwhelming me. I am baby stepping back into a grace that is casting my sin as far as east is from west... This ocean gets deeper. And I worthy, not because of me... I am worthy because Jesus decided... Today the valley is a little less shallow, and the desert is a little less dry.
I don't have to put Judas' shoes on again.
Grace is for me.
Jesus is for me.
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